4 hours since I last saw my mom at the airport, she's bound to leave Hong Kong again. She came over to visit me and my dad for a month and I've never felt so attached. People say that whenever we grow old we realize and see what's important to us, I don't understand i say.. Until now.
My mom and I usually argue a lot, especially during my high schools days. Grudges casts from those days, desperate attempts to get away from her, you know.. the usual rebellious side of a teenage girl. I was even so mad at her once that deep inside me,I swore not to be like her. And like all young minds, life teaches us to feel otherwise.Clearly I must say that she's no typical mom, not the conservative type nor the subtle emotional one. Whenever I made a mistake, she'll beat the hell outta me (not physically) but emotionally and psychologically. Till now I wonder how she does that, she tells me I'm wrong and gives me that guilt trip, besides being an ungrateful and inconsiderate daughter that I was back then, I had an excuse not to care because I was spoiled and young, and yet I did. Till now i would always be grateful for the tough love she gave me.
Here comes College/Uni, and like an Eagle mom does to her babies she helps them get out of their nests pushes them off a cliff and let them fly on their own. And that was exactly how my mom did it. It's not normal for Filipino moms to let go of their kid that easily, first there's the emotional clinginess, the everything-you-need-lunch-snack-dinner-"midnight snack" kind of smothering, then the investigator mom that sneaks around to check who's hanging around her son/daughter. And none, not even one of those have i seen my mom did. I know she wanted to, that if she was given a choice she would have me beside her at all the time, but her love was strong that she wanted the best for me. She trusted me enough to be independent and mature to make my own decisions and mistakes. Sure, I had my hard times, but because of the pressure to live up to her expectations, it actually helped me. She was the only person that never doubted me, she knew that whatever life throws me or wherever pit hole I'm in, I would surpass it no matter what.
Today, I look back at the times I was with her, how i took everything she did and everything she gave to me for granted. That whoever I am, whatever I have and whatever I will achieve.. I owe it all to her. No one sees how strong a woman she is, I've seen her stand up through triumphs and still put up a smile, never saw her turned a blind eye, sacrifice for the people she loves, and fight for what she believes in. She may not know this, but I look up to her now more than ever before.
Dear Mama,
Siguro nakokornihan ka sa sinusulat ko noh? Hayaan mo na ma, miss lang kita agad eh. Alam ko naman kasi na ayaw mo ng mga kadramahan kaya di tayo naguusap ng ganto. Di bale, wala ka nang choice kundi basahin toh.Wag mo na rin pigilin umiyak.. its ok. Ma, thank you. Di ko man madalas sinasabi pero naaappreciate ko talaga lahat ng ginagawa mo para saken. Pasensya na rin kung matigas ulo ko minsan, mana nga ako sayo dba? Di man tayo nag sasabi ng I love you tulad ng iba, sigurado ako mas mas close pa tayo sa kanila. Ingatan mo lagi sarili mo jan, wag masyadong high blood. Sana malapit na uli pagbalik mo. Miss you ma! Luv u!
Ang nagdradrama mong anak,
Chel
The sudden shock of a loud deafening ring, as i awoke half asleep from a dreamless night of an early 4:00 in the morning, work has never been a solitude of the life i live in, and yet i drag myself each and every passing day to earn, with no excuse to depend on others. I curse this feeling i have now, where comforting to madness is a saving grace to my broken heart, like a cupid's spell backfired with bows of torture. Surely I have anticipated pain in any course of love, but i was blown to this immense torment.I remember once quoted by Kahlil Gibran that "Love will Crucify you as much as it Crowns you", it seems that every memory lashes me and every hope thorns my very soul, for the pounding pain bleeds in a dust of withered love.
It all started last night, it was oddly dark as if illuminated light was not enough to shine upon anything,cold like the prick of snow shivers me, claustrophobic as if all the space i had was a prison cell. I was alone in bed scanning through my mobile when suddenly i came across my past love, then it started, a heavy invisible knife pierced through my heart after an image I accidentaly saw, the burn of flaming tears endlessly flow down my cheeks. I thought it was over, that I made myself proud to have moved on and hoped for a new love,to see myself with another like a childs fairytale of happy endings, but i thought wrong. They say 3 months would be quite enough for the pain to subside, it has been 1 year, 2 months and 11 days since my heart was broken into pieces and yet i still feel the same and even a little more from the hopes and dreams that maybe.. just maybe it would be ok again.
Please make it go away.. words i uttered from the moment it happened till now. The exhilirating feeling how it all begun and the excruciaiting pain of how it ended a year ago with the latter emotional anguish repeatedly happening at this very moment. I don't know really what else i would feel from now on, nevertheless, im already broken.. Again. I may be hurt but i hope he's happy, i really am. He came in my life to love me once but it was never meant for him to stay.
Someone Like You- Adele
I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, "
Yeah
You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Yeah
Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Yeah
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