I didn't quite expect how things would turn out, besides there's nothing wrong hoping for the best. Every choice leads to either certain or uncertain circumstances, and often we wonder whether it was wrong or right. This wandering thoughts questions every little detail that comes along the path of that choice, and where does it lead you? Who knows...
Choices for some is a blessing or a crucifying curse for others. Why? More often than not, we play the blame game, a simple washing of hands to stray away from consequences. The burden of having responsibility of our actions and the fear of what's gonna happen next creeps in as one anticipates the worse-case scenario. Do you actually thinks its worth than not making a choice in the first place? That agonising feeling, like a quick sand hovering your sanity of constant depression.
It's quite weird as I put myself in a third person view.. You see, I recently quit my job, I've longed for that job for monetary reasons to have an easier life, to eat foods I love and bathe myself with material things. And in exchange? A
mask to compensate time and happiness. This is subjective by the way. We have reasons why we stay or move on, and neither one of us can judge the other. We are motivated to do good in our jobs through different variables, such as family, survival, luxury, comfort zone or it might even be a place to buy time and save for the future. Nevertheless, it would lead us to that state, where those mornings of waking up and explaining to ourselves why we do the things we do. Others may find happiness through it, or perhaps a necessity to blind side what we really want, or even just because we don't see what lies ahead..
Not having a choice is plain bullshit. Everyone has it, but in every choice lies uncertainty that requires risks, and not all has the privilege to sacrifice such. But there's only a certain amount of opportunities and time that comes along in our life, others grab it and others makes their own.
That excruciating thought of realising that it's not gonna be easy taunts me, but to aimlessly search for meaning of contentment and happiness makes it bearable. For the only choice to be happy is to let go of the opposite. What was my first step after leaving? It took me a week to let it sink in, but what i first did was acknowledge my choice, and again hope for the best.
Blog mode by Sam Real
4 hours since I last saw my mom at the airport, she's bound to leave Hong Kong again. She came over to visit me and my dad for a month and I've never felt so attached. People say that whenever we grow old we realize and see what's important to us, I don't understand i say.. Until now.
My mom and I usually argue a lot, especially during my high schools days. Grudges casts from those days, desperate attempts to get away from her, you know.. the usual rebellious side of a teenage girl. I was even so mad at her once that deep inside me,I swore not to be like her. And like all young minds, life teaches us to feel otherwise.Clearly I must say that she's no typical mom, not the conservative type nor the subtle emotional one. Whenever I made a mistake, she'll beat the hell outta me (not physically) but emotionally and psychologically. Till now I wonder how she does that, she tells me I'm wrong and gives me that guilt trip, besides being an ungrateful and inconsiderate daughter that I was back then, I had an excuse not to care because I was spoiled and young, and yet I did. Till now i would always be grateful for the tough love she gave me.
Here comes College/Uni, and like an Eagle mom does to her babies she helps them get out of their nests pushes them off a cliff and let them fly on their own. And that was exactly how my mom did it. It's not normal for Filipino moms to let go of their kid that easily, first there's the emotional clinginess, the everything-you-need-lunch-snack-dinner-"midnight snack" kind of smothering, then the investigator mom that sneaks around to check who's hanging around her son/daughter. And none, not even one of those have i seen my mom did. I know she wanted to, that if she was given a choice she would have me beside her at all the time, but her love was strong that she wanted the best for me. She trusted me enough to be independent and mature to make my own decisions and mistakes. Sure, I had my hard times, but because of the pressure to live up to her expectations, it actually helped me. She was the only person that never doubted me, she knew that whatever life throws me or wherever pit hole I'm in, I would surpass it no matter what.
Today, I look back at the times I was with her, how i took everything she did and everything she gave to me for granted. That whoever I am, whatever I have and whatever I will achieve.. I owe it all to her. No one sees how strong a woman she is, I've seen her stand up through triumphs and still put up a smile, never saw her turned a blind eye, sacrifice for the people she loves, and fight for what she believes in. She may not know this, but I look up to her now more than ever before.
Dear Mama,
Siguro nakokornihan ka sa sinusulat ko noh? Hayaan mo na ma, miss lang kita agad eh. Alam ko naman kasi na ayaw mo ng mga kadramahan kaya di tayo naguusap ng ganto. Di bale, wala ka nang choice kundi basahin toh.Wag mo na rin pigilin umiyak.. its ok. Ma, thank you. Di ko man madalas sinasabi pero naaappreciate ko talaga lahat ng ginagawa mo para saken. Pasensya na rin kung matigas ulo ko minsan, mana nga ako sayo dba? Di man tayo nag sasabi ng I love you tulad ng iba, sigurado ako mas mas close pa tayo sa kanila. Ingatan mo lagi sarili mo jan, wag masyadong high blood. Sana malapit na uli pagbalik mo. Miss you ma! Luv u!
Ang nagdradrama mong anak,
Chel
The sudden shock of a loud deafening ring, as i awoke half asleep from a dreamless night of an early 4:00 in the morning, work has never been a solitude of the life i live in, and yet i drag myself each and every passing day to earn, with no excuse to depend on others. I curse this feeling i have now, where comforting to madness is a saving grace to my broken heart, like a cupid's spell backfired with bows of torture. Surely I have anticipated pain in any course of love, but i was blown to this immense torment.I remember once quoted by Kahlil Gibran that "Love will Crucify you as much as it Crowns you", it seems that every memory lashes me and every hope thorns my very soul, for the pounding pain bleeds in a dust of withered love.
It all started last night, it was oddly dark as if illuminated light was not enough to shine upon anything,cold like the prick of snow shivers me, claustrophobic as if all the space i had was a prison cell. I was alone in bed scanning through my mobile when suddenly i came across my past love, then it started, a heavy invisible knife pierced through my heart after an image I accidentaly saw, the burn of flaming tears endlessly flow down my cheeks. I thought it was over, that I made myself proud to have moved on and hoped for a new love,to see myself with another like a childs fairytale of happy endings, but i thought wrong. They say 3 months would be quite enough for the pain to subside, it has been 1 year, 2 months and 11 days since my heart was broken into pieces and yet i still feel the same and even a little more from the hopes and dreams that maybe.. just maybe it would be ok again.
Please make it go away.. words i uttered from the moment it happened till now. The exhilirating feeling how it all begun and the excruciaiting pain of how it ended a year ago with the latter emotional anguish repeatedly happening at this very moment. I don't know really what else i would feel from now on, nevertheless, im already broken.. Again. I may be hurt but i hope he's happy, i really am. He came in my life to love me once but it was never meant for him to stay.
Someone Like You- Adele
I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, "
Yeah
You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Yeah
Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."
Yeah
Today.. Tuesday.. Cold.. Busy. Just an ordinary day at work, but it also seems so different in a way, no drastic events happened whatsoever. But why this urge to write? Write something to thank for??? I've always believed that the absence of bad is good. And today I shall thank God for goodness. And last week be just a memory, and a lesson.
It started two days ago, I was depress when my whole family (with extended relatives) started to gather and eat dinner, just to find out that they forgot to invite me. now isn't that something?? I've read a quote once that says "you are insignificant when significant news reach you last". It may be just a dinner, but it was for everyone, except me. I was home alone killing time just before bedtime, when my dad suddenly called up and realized I wasn't there, I ran as fast as I could. It was a very cold night, strong winds brush through my face, fighting tears falling down my cheek as I hurry, swallowing my pride to see these people that neglected my existence. I may be a little over the top melodramatic and sensitive, but I was just hurt. You see, all my friends are either from work alone or in the Philippines, all I have left in this foreign place is my family.
Another thought I remembered from my philosophy professor back in university, have you ever notice why people tend to vandalize anywhere or would want to leave a legacy before they die? It's a mark to be remembered, to leave a trace behind even if we're gone. Why? because of our fear of being forgotten, that fear that makes us less valuable among everything else, that in a lifetime living in a vast world even in memory we fade in oblivion, when it may all start in a flash of that dreadful feeling of insignificance.
Today I will feat this fear as I take this experience to learn and understand why. Is my company and presence displeasing in any way or have I not made a difference yet? I'm grateful for this strength I faced today, though I was hurt at first. It's a battle scar I would learn from.
More often than not, things seems to be in limbo of what's suppose to happen. As Im writing this post, in a corner of a cafe out looking bars full of drunkards intoxicated with euphoria, I can't help reflect my life for the past year. Where nostalgic nights masquerades pain of longginess and contentment of what once was simple. As of this moment, only a brink of sanity prevents me from running away from everything. One moment Im in seventh heaven and next thing I know, I feel as if hell's dragging me down. If only I could see that path again, that ambitious side of who I am that constantly strives to succeed and fight, but as I unmask myself writing this. A moment of each motivation and push I give myself, a part of me says "damn I need a break". I put a bar of success and expectations in my life to move forward and be better, but deep inside I'm already committing suicide. So tired proving myself and people wrong, a constant battle for better, as if contentment eludes reality and turns into illusions to convince myself that the end of the line is worth all pain.
Hope
The only word that I trust.. That would save me from myself. Hope for someone to hold me, hope for my parents to be proud of me, hope for grace, and hope for something meaningful to live for.
Clearly I have underestimated bollywood films, I've been the least enthusiast for dancing and singing scenes in movies, and yet I gave this a chance since it was recommended by a good friend of mine (thank u!). Not a glimps of disappointment was seen through my eyes except for tears from laughing and sadness. It came to me as a shock how this movie portrays real life dramas of friendship, hope, aspirations and hapiness of life that I can personally relate to.
Based on Chetan Bhagat's novel, Five Point Someone (though only a miniscule part was adapted to the movie) it was a story of three friends embarking life through college with unexpected twists and events. Rancho (Aamir Khan) the wise, optimistic, laid-back character was responsible for the advocacy of a good life, Raju (Sharman Joshi) lost from fear and later on was brave enough to let go and Farhan (R Madhavan) though smart, never had the passion for the vocation he took.
It started with reminiscing, both from the movie and myself. A flashback of college life suddenly connected me with the movie. What caught me most was the camaraderie of the three best friends. there was a scene where one of them had to choose between school and friendship, yes at first he chose to focus on his studies, but let it be known as shown in this movie that no matter how much you push your "real" friends away, for whatever reason there may be, they always have your back. Always there when you needed them most, be it for the good times and especially the bad.
Lesson: life may push to the limit and trip you over the clif, but in those hard and sad moments in your life, realize there would always be someone, that you are never alone and that others may come and go, but some of the few actually stays..
Though there are more life-changing lessons, i'll keep it hanging from here to hopefully convince you enough to watch it. I guarantee you that after you watch this movie, you'll be a little happier and contented than you were 3 hours before. Cuz' ALL IZZ WELL! :)
I've reposted my writings from the past,as seen below (12 posts). Everything i wrote was almost so random that i didn't have consistency in my work, some were poems, inspired work from another writer, observation, perspective and other more. But one thing remains the same, is that all that you've read from older posts or will read is based soley on my personal experience. I've never acknowledge life to be out of mere coincidences or "just because", cliche as it may sound it happens because its meant to create other happenings. My past writings reflected from both sad and happy moments of my life, but all was a blessing because its who i am now. I now decided to share a part of who i am, from my point of views to my experiences, that somehow one day even just for a split second i would even move someones life just for being me, true and real.
.JPG)
.JPG)
